Borat vs. Georgia

First, this was going to be a comparative essay on Borat versus the reality of living in central Asia. In the process of writing that, the introduction became a rant against a certain humorless, ill-tempered placement officer who made my early Peace Corps experience a nightmare and who should be fired or at least have his/her house egged. Neither of those would likely garner the favor of my dear employer, the US government, so nix and nix. Actually, though, I can write a little bit about Borat anyway since I’m such a rebel.

Borat vs. Georgia

Being a –stan country:
Kazakhstan, obviously one of the –stans that many people have trouble placing on the map. I’ll admit, although they’re just a quick hop across the Caspian Sea, I probably still couldn’t tell you where most of them are. BUT did you know that the word for Georgia in Turkish is Gürjistan? So there you go, welcome to a –stan.

Technologique:
Borat seems rather pleased with his VCR and his radio alarm clock. You may notice in Georgia, however, that while there are many households with black-and-white televisions and tape players, the cell phones outstrip what most people have in the US. Why? I don’t know. Nor am I in favor of my 10th-form students’ possession of phones that can play the latest in Russian pop before, during, and after class. Just don’t be surprised if your host sister hands you her phone and asks you to type “Bruce Willis” into the Google search window she’s browsing.

Driving you crazy:
As another volunteer pointed out, some of Borat’s driving antics in the movie go unnoticed by PC Georgia viewers. He’s straddling two lanes? Oh, I didn’t notice. The speed limit has no bearing on how fast/slow he’s going? Well, why would it? There’s an 8-year-old chauffeur at the beginning of the movie? How else can he learn to drive without practice? I’ve seen two or three sources from travelers more experienced than I (read: everybody) who cite Georgian drivers as the worst in the world. I’ll readily believe that. When you spend most of the drive in the passing lane on a two-way road, diving back between correct-lane cars to hide from oncoming traffic, creating a third middle lane with the oodles of space left between the cars going in opposite directions, hitting the gas when idiot pedestrians think the road is for walking on… let’s move on.

Smoochy smoo, kissy-wissy:
Borat’s traditional Kazakh greeting elicits a stream of four-letter words from his fellow New York City straphangers, while most Americans engage in a battle between cultural sensitivity and instinct, slightly leaning away from him as he places a kiss on each cheek (and sometimes on the mouth). Good news for those of you with strict personal bubbles: Georgians only kiss one cheek! They don’t save it just for the same sex, either—host nationals will kiss everyone they meet. It’s a part of being tbili khalkhi (warm people). Some Georgians will—for the novelty of it—offer you a handshake, wearing the same smile of delight in cultural awareness as you will the first time you give a supra toast that’s more than two words long. Remember: while it’s not your fault that the Soviets told everyone in their sphere that Americans are cold people, you can go a long way to debunk that stereotype by getting used to the nice-to-see-you smooch.

Chicken tonight:
When the chicken got loose from Borat’s bag and started fluttering all over the subway, were you thinking of bird flu? Because I was. First off, yes, people carry chickens in bags… but how else can you get a chicken from the bazaar to your house? It might be a bit disconcerting to see some legs sticking out of a plastic bag and then to hear the bag clucking, but it does save you the sight of chickens getting slaughtered in the shops, rather than at home. Back to bird flu, though—there hasn’t actually been any bird flu here this year (and I don’t know if there was last year), but it is sitting there in the back of people’s minds, especially those people whose livelihoods depend on chickens. Glad to have sucked the humor out of that scene.

“I Do” optional:
You may have seen it coming from the time Borat described his cloth creation as a “marriage sack,” foreshadowing the part where he stuffs the sack over Pamela Anderson’s head and throws her over his shoulder to be his wife. Here comes another humor-killer: while it’s relatively rare compared to earlier times, bridenapping is still a problem in some parts of rural Georgia. Foreigners (and volunteers therein) aren’t really targeted, since a successful bridenapping depends on the eventual consent of the bride, who either tires of being holed up in a mountain shack or concludes that her family will not accept her back since they assume she’s being doing… things… with her bridenapper while sequestered. Terribly unfair? Of course. But there are some bright signs—firstly, the Georgian government prosecutes bridenappers as harshly as regular kidnappers these days. Secondly, there’s the changing attitude of young Georgians like my training host sister: “I would never say yes if I were bridenapped. I would break a window and run away.” Good for you, Lela. Good for you.

Ambiguity:
Borat’s mixed signals to the men he met in Washington led to some incidents he couldn’t quite explain to Alan Keyes. Let’s start it off this way: Georgian men are not a bunch of Borats, wearing short-shorts and walking around in the nude while so staunchly heterosexual that they’re shocked that other options exist. I will say this, though: it’s not abnormal here for men to hug and hold hands and walk with their arms slung over each other’s shoulders. In fact, it’s pretty normal.

Other countries have inferior potassium:
That was probably the best national anthem I’ve ever heard. For the Georgian equivalent of a proud mineral export, check out manganese (Mn), that neglected square on the periodic table that’s usually confused with magnesium (Mg). Proud little Chiatura in northern Georgia, formerly a Soviet model town, boasts a large concentration of manganese mines, as well as a manganese-filled black river, though when the Soviets fled, many of the mines and processing factories closed down. And they took down the glowing Lenin head from the cliff.

Your war of terror:
Borat supports our “war of terror,” he says, while wearing an American flag cowboy shirt. You know who else does? Georgia. This may be a completely inaccurate statistic, but I’ve been told that per capita, Georgia has the largest amount of troops in Iraq as part of the Iraqi Enduring Freedom Democracy Liberty Forever mission. American troops are stationed in parts of Georgia, too, to train the Georgian soldiers and to give them cool US uniforms to wear, and also to misbehave at expat bars.

Running of the Jew:
“Kazakhstan has some problems—economic, social, and Jew.” Oh Borat, you anti-Semite. You won’t find such a celebration of Jew-hating in Georgia (probably not either, I’d wager, in Kazakhstan). Did you know that before Israel existed, a large Jewish population used to live in Georgia, waiting around in the Caucasus for a space to open up in the Holy Land? You can still hear a synthesizer version of “Hava Nagela” played at many a Georgian supra. The last time I was at a supra where “Hava Nagela” was played, everyone formed a conga line, grabbing the shoulders of the person in front of them and jumping as a chain throughout the small apartment screaming “Hava Nagela” at the top of their lungs. It was one of those surreal moments that I keep meaning to write a blog post about.

Too much booty in the pants:
Remember when Borat is leaving for America and he starts dancing with his fellow villagers? That’s about the same. Minus the Running Man. Actually, Georgian dance is pretty cool-looking, and most of the culturally-educated Georgians know how to do it and will beg to teach you and/or laugh at your failed attempts. Side note: While Borat throws dice for fun, Georgian men tend toward backgammon. Hours and hours of backgammon.

Onward Christian soldiers:
Borat explains that their town has dropped the Running of the Jew due to its cruelty. “We’re Christians now,” he explains, walking by a group of villagers poking at a man on a cross with a pitchfork (best joke of the movie, IMO). But are they a bunch of Saint Johnny-come-latelies? Georgia was only the second nation to name Christianity as its official religion. They’re mostly Georgian Orthodox here, which leads to many holidays that you may not be familiar with. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why we make bean pastries on St. Barbara’s day, or why we celebrate Old New Year two weeks after Regular New Year, but I’m not sure my host family knows either, so give me a break.

So that’s it, your guide to the differences and similarities between the world of Borat and the Republic of Georgia. I hope I’ve made it culturally sensitive and positive enough that it can stay online long enough for all 10 people who read my blog to see, and all ya’ll best be good and enlightened now after all that typing.

P.S. Borat looks more like an East European than a Central Asian, FYI.