Now, here's several facts which were inaccurate or omitted from Ryan's post:
1) Dimi was a hotbed of English fluency before Ryan Nickum arrived.
During his pre-service interview, Ryan in his infinite laziness insisted that he be placed in a site where all the children already knew GRE-level English. Fortunately for him, such a site existed in Dimi. Upon his arrival, dozens of children rushed to greet him, shouting in unison, "We welcome you and embrace the practical simplicity of your modern teaching methodology!" After three months of Nickum reign, only twelve percent of students could spell their own name.
2) Ryan Nickum wears the same plaid shirt with pearl buttons every day.
Several volunteers have asked him why he refuses to change his clothes. Some theorize that he likes the faux-midwestern appeal of a plaid shirt, especially when paired with a ragged TWA hat, and that it takes him back to his days of burning cars at WTO protests and throwing rocks at the windows of his local Starbucks.
3) Ryan Nickum is bald.
It can never be said too many times. He may, in fact, have mentioned it in his own post, but it still needs to be said.
4) Ryan Nickum cares more about beer than about Paige.
Countless are the canceled dates and postponed evenings that poor Paige has had to face on account of her boyfriend's love affair with Natakhtari. She has tried to leave him repeatedly, only to be drawn back in by his heartfelt pleas that he'll give up beer for her as soon as they arrive in Seattle, where the temptress Kazbegi will have no power over him, and where he'll only have to resist the weaker pull of microbrews.
5) The person who smudges Ryan Nickum's glasses is Ryan Nickum.
Never in my entire life have I used my fingers, forehead, or nose to put oily smudge marks on another person's glasses. I find it disgusting and completely disrespectful to obscure the vision of someone who requires glasses to see; it's no better than distracting a seeing eye dog. As someone who wears reading glasses occasionally, I sympathize with the victims of glass-smudge attacks, and the fact that Ryan Nickum would stage something so abhorrent on himself just so he could blame it on innocent bystanders is despicable, frankly.
6) My life has been threatened repeatedly by Ryan Nickum.
Knives, guns, strangulation, poisoning... if it kills people, then Ryan has threatened me with it. Perhaps he can't stand the idea that his long, winding life is in its sunset years while I have decades left to explore the Earth.
7) Ryan Nickum is a liar.
He insists in his post that I'm derisive of his writing skills, despite the fact that he researched and wrote an entire 365-day desk calendar called "This Day in Bald History" (see #3), because I'm a published author. Well, Mr. Nickum, if I'm a published author successful enough to be criticizing others, where's my best-seller? Or, let's top that-- where's my royalty check, hmm? I didn't think so.
8) Ryan Nickum omits anecdotes that are very embarrassing in favor of ones that are only a little so.
He decides that the time I made ten kilos of disgusting fried rice is more shameful than the time I made guacamole with unpeeled avocados, bearing in mind that avocados are highly rare and expensive here, and that our neighbors' friends had brought those avocados all the way from Israel so that they could be mangled by my expert hands. What's with that, Ryan?
I think I've made my point. Take both of these blog posts into consideration before you form any judgment on myself or Mr. Nickum, though you will probably come to the conclusion that neither of us wins this battle, since blog battle decisions have little precedence. And also, if you find yourself interested in the Georgia-related musings of a bald, smudgy-glassed murderer, then you'll enjoy this link.
1 comment:
Having read his post (and left him a message), I would judge you the decisive winner.
Cheers(wine in my right hand, of course...)!
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